“That’s just who I am.”
You hear it all the time, being proclaimed with pride and sometimes a shrug. You’ve probably said it yourself a few times. Its close companions include statements like “I don’t do x” “I’m not good at y” “ I only listen to z.” You may convince yourself that these words signify real self-acceptance and self-love. However, they can also make you complacent. Stagnant. They can lead you to the opposite of growth: Death.
Identity and the Growth Mindset
Now more than ever, the issue of identity and “who we are” is at the forefront of discussion.
As an example, LGBTQ and sexuality awareness have opened up the opportunity to define ourselves as what we feel we are, not necessarily what we are born as or told to be. Instead of a binary, rigid view of gender, our society is embracing the idea that one’s gender and sexuality lies on a spectrum and may change over time.
If this is the case, it may be extended to other elements of identity, as well.
In fact, most aspects of our identity operate in the same way. Think of one’s political identity. Despite there being only two parties in the United States, an individual’s political beliefs and ideals usually don’t mold perfectly into one or the other. Most people agree with some stances on both sides, or they may even have ideas beyond what either side represents.
Yet, we are conditioned by society to put ourselves into boxes and “act the part.” Whether that is identifying as male vs female, or liberal vs conservative, we actually risk being judged and ostracized if we color outside of the lines of who we are “supposed to be.”
We take on these identities as “who we are.” And by doing so, we also indirectly define “who we are not.” We begin to strictly define what we like/don’t like, what we do/don’t do, what we stand for/don’t stand for, what we are good at/not good at.
And we treat these aspects of our identity as set in stone, instead of changing and malleable, as they are.
How many of us have not changed how we identify over the years? How many of us have not changed our views on certain topics, taken on new habits or given up old ones, discovered new interests or talents over the course of our lives?
Then why do we cling so staunchly to these ideas of “self,” especially when they can limit us?
A Scientific Explanation
As classical physics has been around much longer than quantum physics and is a much simpler science, we are naturally wired to think in terms of particles and not waves, matter and not energy. And so, we see ourselves as static beings as well, and we have convinced ourselves that we should just “Be proud of who we are,” “Be ourselves,” “Stand for what we believe in,” etc.
The problem is — the idea of “who i am” and “the way I am” — these are really just spells based on our hazy recollection of stories from our pasts. In the present moment, there is no real, firm definition of “who I am,” because quantum physics teaches us that everything in the world is actually in flux at any given moment — we are just a bunch of moving, changing atoms.
The Dangers of “Who I Am”
Identity can be helpful to some extent in navigating the world. It can help us define ourselves and our gifts, and where we fit into the bigger picture. It can help empower us in that way by giving a sense of purpose.
But what about when “who I am” and “who I am not” are actually limiting us from who we desire to be and what we experience, as well as limiting us from growing and evolving?
The last years in the USA have been illustrative of the danger. The strong polarity and duality between Democrats and Republicans, Trump supporters and opposers, has resulted in an unwillingness to interact across divides, a fear and avoidance of those who feel differently from us, a vilification of the “other” side.
In other words, we’ve gone a bit overboard. Too much of “being who we are” is actually destroying some of us. It is keeping us from hearing other viewpoints, from experiencing other realities, from growing as human beings. Being “who we are” all the time has become the antithesis of diversity and growth.
What if it turns out that as much as we want to be on one side of something in order to simplify our lives — we actually have the potential to be all the things, and we just turned into one of them, based on how our unique life experiences shaped us? And we can consciously choose new life experiences/stories that turn us into something different?
Storytelling is invaluable, because it helps us understand one another and bridge across divides, gain understanding of experiences beyond our own. And at the same time, we should not get so lost in our and others’ stories that they limit us from changing in the present.
‘AND’ as a New Paradigm
Perhaps a new way of thinking about ourselves is needed. People often stay stuck in their external situation because of their internal belief in a “fixed identity:” e.g. “I sleep late, I was just born this way” — which indirectly implies “I am not a morning person, whether I want to be or not.”
But matter is both a particle AND wave, which tells us that we are both solid/fixed, AND dynamic/changing.
I believe living life optimally is about finding the balance between our particle(fixed) and wave-like(changing) properties. Accepting ourselves, appreciating ourselves as we are, AND always looking for ways to learn and grow and discover.
So, “That’s just who I am” is fine, when it is working for you and working for the betterment of society.
But it is limiting, and even detrimental, when it keeps you from being the person you desire to be and living in the society you desire to live in — one of greater peace, harmony, and inclusion.
“If you think yourself weak, that you will be. If you think yourself strong, you will be.” Swami Vivekananda
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