Today I was watching an interview with Vivek Ramaswamy, who had run for the 2020 primaries and obviously, didn’t win.
When he was asked what his reflections were on his performance, he replied that his one regret was that he focused so much attention on fighting and talking back to the other contenders, that he neglected to let the public know who he really is from the heart.
I felt sorry that he lost the opportunity on a national stage to be truly seen. The negativity inflicted by others sucked up his airtime, and I imagine that will always be a deep regret for him.
I also began to think about myself and how I’ve reacted sometimes, when I’ve felt attacked, misunderstood, or subjected to toxic behavior.
What exactly would happen to me?
First, it would feel like my heart and good sense were hijacked in a sense by the part of me that was cold and overly rational. I would just want to win the fight. So I’d use all my intellectual might, the strength of my wit and words, and all of the ammunition I had against the other person.
But what I failed to see in those times was that I didn’t sign up for this fight in the first place: someone or something else started it. And by trying to outdo them in their own game, I was still playing by the rules they set, instead of my own.
What would seem to be rational in those moments was then, actually, quite irrational. Responding to insult with insult usually didn’t end up serving my purpose, but it would made me look and feel negative and petty.
I didn’t end up getting what I deeply wanted, which was not to win a fight, but to be seen and understood and respected.
Why Does the Brain Take This Unhelpful Path?
It is very primal, the drive to fight off predators and anyone who threatens us in any way. We are not only biologically conditioned to fight back, we are also trained and conditioned by society to always fight and “win.”
Yet this primal reactivity often limits how creatively we can approach a challenge. We devolve to the other person’s level of toxicity and egoic behavior. We let the other person or situation dictate the game we are playing, rather than changing the game to something more productive, more collaborative, more inspiring and real.
A Leader Elevates the Game
I imagine Vivek Ramaswamy fell victim to the same or similar. And I know for a fact that most people do.
But what if there is a better way? What if the brain and the body have evolved other ways beyond fighting to “win”?
I imagine how much more successful he could have been, if he simply called out the toxicity for what it was: attempts to undermine him and bring him down. Or even if he admitted his past mistakes humbly, since no one is immune from mistakes. Then if he brought the conversation quickly back to his plan and vision for the country, and what that means to him.
Thus, if we want to be truly effective in our lives, we need to be ready to change and elevate the game to our level, rather than fall victim. We need to make our own rules rather than let the situation dictate the rules for us.
For that, we need to be clear and steadfast on our intention, to keep from getting derailed by external forces, which frankly, are often designed to undermine us, the higher up we ascend.
Reflection Question: Think of a person you feel challenged by. How can you change the game to serve your needs and goals better, and thereby elevate it?
