Today, I was watching an interview with Vivek Ramaswamy, one of the Republican candidates in the 2020 primary elections.
When he was asked what his reflections were on his performance, he replied that his one regret was that he focused so much attention on fighting and talking back to the other contenders, he neglected to let the public know who he really is and what he stands for.
I felt sorry that he lost the opportunity on a national stage to be truly seen. The negativity inflicted by others sucked up his airtime, and I imagine that will always be a deep regret for him.
I also began to think about myself and how I’ve reacted sometimes, when I’ve felt attacked, misunderstood, or subjected to toxic behavior.
What exactly happens at these times?
When we are “attacked” verbally, it can feel like our attention and our hearts are hijacked, in a sense, by our egos.
We get sucked in to the negative energy of the other person: we just want to win the fight. So, we armor up quickly. We use all of our intellectual might, the strength of our wit and words, and all of the ammunition and data we have, against the other person.
But what we may fail to see in these times is that we didn’t sign up for this fight in the first place: someone or something else started it. And by trying to outdo them in their game, we are playing by their rules, instead of our own.
What would seem to be rational in those moments is then, actually, quite irrational. Defending ourselves or responding to insult with insult usually doesn’t end up serving our purpose, and it makes us look and feel negative and petty.
We don’t end up getting what we deeply want, which is not to win a fight, but to be seen and understood.
Why does the brain take this unhelpful path?
It is very primal.
Yet this primal reactivity often limits how creatively we can approach a challenge. We devolve to the other person’s level of toxicity and egoic behavior. We let the other person or situation dictate the game we are playing, rather than changing the game to something more productive, more collaborative, more inspiring and real.
Leadership means elevating the game
I imagine Vivek Ramaswamy fell victim to the same or similar. Most people do.
But what if there is a better way?
I imagine how much more successful he could have been, if he simply called out the toxicity for what it was: attempts to undermine him and bring him down.
Or even if he admitted his past mistakes humbly, since no one is immune from mistakes.
Then, if he brought the conversation back to his plan and vision for the country, and what that means to him.
Thus, if we want to be truly effective in our lives, we need to be ready to change and elevate the game to our level, rather than fall victim to petty attacks.
We need to make our own rules rather than let the situation dictate the rules for us.
Reflection Question: Think of a person you have to interact with, who you often feel triggered by. How can you change the game to serve your needs and goals better, and thereby elevate it?